Taking Back Power

I've had a lot of pent up anger towards Christianity, for the last decade in particular, though it started much earlier when I was still serving as a full time minister. I think a lot of people coming from Christianity tend to feel similar. Why is that?

The hypocrisy and general nastiness that tends to infect most churches is certainly a part of it. After years of seeing "righteous" people harshly judge and preach at others, only to turn around and do the same types of crap themselves is infuriating. Seeing the "church" as a collective whole (for the most part) turn their backs on entire groups of people, even to the point of condoning outright hostility, is astounding to me. Over time, if you don't completely give in to it and get swept up in the sickness, it'll grind you down until you just can't stand it anymore. A majority of the guys I went to college with to study theology, all of them just as passionate and active in church work as I was, have all left the church, regardless of denomination. Just about every one of them left for the exact same reasons. At the end of the day, with all of this weighing on you, you feel powerless to do anything about it, and it feels as though God doesn't care.

And that is the core of the problem with Christianity- over time it's been designed specifically to take power away from the people. You're taught from day one, regardless of denomination, that all power is God's. As a human, you're powerless. Everything comes from God. You have to rely on Him for your strength. You have to thank Him for everything (except bad stuff- that's all you). Bad stuff happens- oh, that's too bad! Well, God has a plan. It wasn't His will. Or maybe you didn't pray enough? Have you been tithing? 

But it wasn't always like that. That's not how it was originally intended. Over time, as Christianity grew, so did the leadership's power. They fell into the same trap, gave in to the same sickness, as the Pharisees and other teachers of the law before them. They used belief and faith as a means of control until it arguably came to a head in the middle ages. They slowly took over and adapted Pagan beliefs and customs. They began to outlaw other ways of thinking and magickal practices, deeming them evil and against God, when up until then practices like alchemy and "white magick" were considered perfectly acceptable and were even practiced by people who would later be canonized as Saints*. They were the educated. They could read. They alone could share the Word of God with the masses. They alone could act as intermediaries to God. You no longer needed priests to make a sacrifice in the Holy of Holies, but now you needed them to pardon you of your sins in confession. 

The controls are still there today, ingrained in the system that's been perpetuated for hundreds of years. They may not have as direct a control on the people as they once did, but the damage has been done. You're still taught that you have no power, no agency, outside of that which you surrender to God. Or you can choose sin and evil. You've been conditioned to give away your power and believe that you can't get it back because it isn't yours. 

Bullshit.

That power is a part of you. Always has been. Always will be. We are, all of us, divine beings. Within each of us is that common spark of the Source of all creation. A majority of learning magick is rediscovering that part of yourself and deprogramming all the mental and emotional blockage bullshit that's been built up and reinforced our whole lives. You don't need gods, angels, demons, spirits, or anything else outside of yourself. That's not to say they can't be great sources of wisdom, knowledge, and assistance. They absolutely can and are! That said, those with your best interests at heart will tell you the exact same thing. They want to see you grow in your own power, because ultimately helping you helps them. For many, helping beings on the physical plane spiritually evolve is their purpose and is key to their own growth. They don't want your worship; they want your respect. Anyone or anything telling you otherwise is selling you something. Humanity doesn't have the monopoly on selfishness and evil, after all; but that's a topic for another day.

Down the Rabbit hole

Some of my earliest memories are of me having conversations with my imaginary friends. I guess I was around four or so, because my little sister hadn't been born yet. A child talking to their imaginary friend isn't exactly an abnormal experience, but in my case I actually heard them. They were one hundred percent real and not in my imagination. They would talk to me about many things, mostly just conversational, as you do with friends; but other times it was about who I was and the things that I would do when I got older. This happened daily, pretty much off and on all day, until I was about twelve. Who they are and why they were talking to me we'll discuss in detail later. Right now, we're going to talk a little bit about the how. 

Clairaudience is an amazing and, I think, rare gift. I say "I think" because I really don't know for sure how common clairaudience and similar abilities are. It's not the kind of thing most people who experience it openly speak about; the reasons for which I'm sure will quickly become apparent to you if you really think about the implications of what it means to be clairaudient. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines clairaudience as "the power or faculty of hearing something not present to the ear but regarded as having objective reality." In other words, when you're clairaudient you hear things in your head that are not you (your inner voice), and are not sounds that you're picking up through your ears. That's because clairaudience is a form of ESP, or extra-sensory perception. 

At this point you're probably staring at your screen with an arched eyebrow. Many are thinking "this guy is nuts" or "this is bullshit to get clicks." Now you can start to see why most people who have this or similar abilities don't advertise. When you do talk about it you're mostly seen as either being mentally ill or a charlatan. In point of fact, I was actually terrified that I was mentally ill, and I intentionally ignored my abilities for almost two decades out of fear. That's why I'm sharing my story and everything I've learned. I want to help others who may be experiencing similar things. I want them to know that they aren't crazy and that they aren't alone.

The following blog is about my life experiences and my journey into the larger world of the occult to find answers. I'm going to be talking about a lot of esoteric topics, and I'm going to do my best to explain these concepts as best as I can, but I'm far from an expert. I'm going to be as open and honest about these things as I can be, but I want to be clear that this is all through the lens of my personal perspective. Your mileage may vary, as the saying goes. 

Magickal Mystery tour

Before I delve into my past and experiences, I feel like it's important to set a foundational understanding of a few occult concepts that many of you are going to scoff at. I'm not here to convince or convert anyone. All I ask is that you have an open mind and maybe look into things for yourself if you're interested. I'm far from an expert, and the following is just a quick and dirty summation of various concepts that are relevant and necessary for what we will discuss later. I have a Resources section that has a list of books, websites, and YouTube channels where you can find great sources of information about all of the esoteric topics I'm about to discuss from people much more knowledgeable and experienced than myself. 

Magick 

Let's start with the big one: magick is real. Notice, I spelled magick with a k. It's a tradition started by Aleister Crowley, infamous occultist and founder of Thelema, to differentiate real magick from fantasy and stage magic like the kind Harry Houdini or David Blaine performs. Real magick doesn't work anything like it does in fantasy entertainment. Real magick, in fact, is both an art and science that's been around forever. Every culture on Earth has practiced it formally in some form, and many still do. Many of our most famous scientists, philosophers, saints, and leaders in history were open practitioners. In fact, magick is a fundamental part of who we are, for we are all both physical and spiritual beings. Everyone on Earth performs magickal acts every day without even realizing it. Religious practitioners perform rituals and acts of white magick through prayers, lighting candles, communion, petitioning saints or deities, and so on; though they may think of it in different terms. Everyday people subtly affect the world around them through their subconscious. The very act of breathing, from a certain perspective, could be labeled as a magickal act, as breathing is how we take in and release energy. The only difference is magickal practitioners (however they choose to label themselves) consciously and deliberately manipulate these energies according to their intention and will to achieve a result, be it material or spiritual. There are many many ways of approaching magick, but to give you the very basic cliffs notes version, magick can be broken down into two main categories: high magick and low magick. 

High magick is often referred to as ceremonial magick or theurgy. It's focus is on using incantations, rituals, visualization, breath and energy work to more closely align our spiritual selves with the Source (the Devine, God, whatever label you want to use). High magicians refer to it as the Great Work. The goal of our lives is to spiritually evolve until we graduate to the next level of existence and break free of the cycle of reincarnation. Christians think of it as entering the gates of Heaven. Eastern belief systems often refer to it as reaching nirvana or achieving enlightenment. High magicians are all about achieving that in their current lifetime.

Low magick is often referred to as practical magick, natural magick, or thaumaturgy. Low magick uses the natural energies of nature and the world around us to bring about results in the material world. In other words, it's using magick to improve your life or manifest things in the physical. This type of magick is the kind most people think of when they think of folk magick or witchery. Despite being referred to as "low magick" there is nothing "lesser" about it. The physical world is just as important, and has just as many lessons to teach us to help us improve ourselves, as the other planes of existence.

The Planes of Existence 

Speaking of which, there are multiple planes of existence. This is important to know in the context of clairaudience, because many of the beings I speak with live on one of the other planes of existence. Various traditions have different views on how many planes there are and how they're broken down, but I'm going to use the break down that seems to be the most general and agreed upon. 

Physical Plane- the physical world we all live in and experience daily using our senses.

Etheric Plane- the level of reality between the physical and astral (concrete consciousness). Everyone has a physical body and an etheric (spirit) subtle body which consists of the aura and what a lot of eastern traditions would refer to as chakras or energy centers. People who experience out of body experiences are actually in their etheric body (their spiritual body). Like a ghost. Permanent death (referred to by magicians as the Second Death) is when the higher self (your soul) separates from the etheric body and moves on. There are other beings, such as the Fey (yes, they're real) for example, that exist as etheric entities in the same way that we are physical. For them, the physical body is the more subtle one.  

Astral Plane- This is the plane of concrete consciousness that exists between the etheric plane and the mental plane. This is where our consciousness, dreams, and visions come from. The astral is the most important plane for practitioners because it's where magickal energies become manifestations; or in other words, where magick goes from intention to reality. It's also possible for the consciousness to use the astral to travel to other places and times (astral projection). 

Mental Plane- To quote John Michael Greer from his book The New Encyclopedia of the Occult, "The mental plane is the plane of meaning, pattern, and the laws of nature and mathematics." This is where stuff starts to get way too complex and weird for human brains to grasp. 

Spiritual Plane- The plane outside of space, time, and human understanding. This is the end goal for all of existence. 

What's the Point?

Which brings us to the very basic point of it all- reuniting with the Source. In the beginning there was the Source. There are literally thousands of different terms and names for it throughout human history and beliefs, but for the sake of simplicity and clarity we're just going to call it the Source. The "big bang" happened. The Source divided itself into all of existence. A tiny piece of that divine nature went into everything. The whole point of existence is growth, learning, and experience. Eventually, all of existence will return back into that one, single Source. It will become the repository of all experience, all knowledge, all time. Modern science sees this demonstrated in the very cosmos they explore. We know the universe is expanding outward. They also hypothesize that, eventually, the universe will begin to retract as well. We are all connected by the universal consciousness. We're all from the same Source, and eventually, we'll all be reunited into one. Not just humanity, but all of existence. That's the purpose of all life: to grow, learn, and experience. Our souls are eternal. As we evolve, we change. We grow from physical beings into, eventually, purely spiritual beings. As we evolve, it becomes part of our purpose to help those behind us- because at the end of the day, we're all one. This is a very important concept to grasp, because it's why other beings/entities/whatever would even bother communicating or interacting with us in the first place, outside of screwing with people because they find it amusing. Being a dick is a universal concept, apparently. 

Spicy psychology

Studying and practicing magick probably isn't what you're expecting. It certainly wasn't for me. I approached it with reverence and more than a little cautious fear. What most people "know" about magick and the occult comes mostly from entertainment or religion in one way or another. That is to say, what most people "know" is complete horseshit. The occult in general isn't "evil" or about Satanic worship. Hell, most Satanists don't even worship Satan. It's not even mostly about casting spells or communing with spirits (though that's certainly part of it, depending on what you're trying to accomplish and how you choose to do so). 

A large part of magick, at least at the beginning of the path, is actually therapy. A lot of practitioners jokingly refer to it as "spicy psychology." It makes sense if you think about it. You don't trick out a car without fixing all the internal issues first. A pretty car isn't worth much if it doesn't run. Most of what you'll do as a practitioner takes place inside your head, and if your head is a mess of anxiety, fear, depression, anger, etc. you're going to have difficult time focusing and making much of anything happen.

It's only been four years since I opened myself back up completely and started on this path. When I began, I was clinically depressed, suicidal, had near-crippling anxiety, was about ten years into an opioid addiction (prescribed pain killers for chronic pain), a nicotine addiction (I convinced myself it helped with the anxiety), and a constant rotation of trying new psych meds to help with the depression and suicidal ideation. Oh, and I had "retired" as a licensed pastor and was in the midst of a massive crisis of faith that was feeding the depression and wanting to off myself. I was a giant mess, and the only things that kept me from just checking out early was the thought of how it would hurt my family, and the indoctrinated fear about going to Hell and just continuing to suffer for eternity. 

Not a great place to be.

I'll go into detail about all of that another time, but for now I want to stick with how magick helped. Shadow work is a type of psychotherapy concept that was first developed by psychoanalyst (and practitioner) Carl Jung. It focuses on the deep parts of our psyche that we keep hidden, where our most deep trauma, resentment, fears, etc. reside. Think of therapy as going to you regular doctor to get a check up and treat colds, viruses, and other general medical issues. Shadow Work is like going to a cancer specialist. Like fighting a battle with cancer, it isn't a one time thing. It's a constant process. 

I can't speak for others, only for myself and my experiences. For me, shadow work has been a process of stages. I'll have a goal issue that is focused on- say the sources of anxiety that's causing me to be a jittery mess as an example. After some magickal prep work, which I'll detail later, I'd settle down into deep meditation, and would often have a Guide that would help me to explore what was really behind the issue, and how I can come to terms with it. It's difficult. It's emotional. It requires brutal honesty with yourself, which can often be the most difficult thing to do. You get through it. There's a period of rest, and then the process starts again with the next thing. 

I'll have been on this path for just four years this October. In that time, I've become almost a completely different person. I no longer have crippling anxiety. That constant feeling of someone gripping my heart and squeezing is gone. A lot of the seething rage I had built up inside of me has been bled out. I went from being almost cripplingly depressed and suicidal daily, to having flare ups every now and then. If I have a suicidal thought, it's rare and mostly fleeting. This is a big deal, considering before I used to have to struggle to resist the constant impulse and mental image of slashing open my wrists. I no longer need medication for the anxiety or depression, and haven't for over two years. 

I quit both the pain pills and the nicotine cold turkey. Magickal techniques helped to combat the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. After taking hydrocodone at the highest dosage my doctor could prescribe four times a day for over a decade, I never once got the shakes, puked, or had any of the other major effects of withdrawal. It still sucked and I felt like crap, don't get me wrong, but I was spared the worst of it. I know it was the magick that made the difference because I'd gone into withdrawals after running out of pills several times over the years, and after just twelve hours of not having anything in my system I would be a shaky, pain-addled mess curled up in the fetal position praying for death. That didn't happen this time. I haven't touched either in well over a year and have no desire to at all. No cravings. No impulse to pick it back up. I can be around people vaping or smoking and it doesn't phase me a bit. 

Traditional therapy and medications didn't do that. Religion didn't do that. Faith didn't do that. A god didn't do that. 

I did.

That's not to say that I didn't have support that was absolutely clutch. I have Allies that leant me their wisdom, their guidance, and in a few cases, their strength and protection. We'll discuss them in more detail next time.